But Facebook is a little different from out in the world. Everybody has that one friend who three times a day posts gooey inspirational quotations, or picks fights, or makes everything political. If you're that person, or if you're that person sometimes, there's hope. Just follow the six rules below, and let me know if you drum up a few of your own.
Never reveal anything on Facebook you wouldn't say to someone you're meeting for the first time in person.
Imagine the following scenario: In the last seven days, your grandmother (whom you didn't know all that well) died; and you've just had amazing casual sex with someone you've had a crush on for a long time. Which of these two events will you share with a person selected at random from your Facebook friends?
If you chose to talk about your sex life, grab a square foot of tin foil out of the pantry, roll it up into a ball, and chew on it. That's how you make everybody feel when you write about your sex life or troubled relationships on Facebook.
Think before you post.
I've had this happen to me way too many times: I'll have the perfect one-liner response to someone's post, but it's not exactly PC. I read over what I've written, and decide that I'm not comfortable having that one-liner under my name, so I move on. And every time I failed to move on, I regretted it later.
Remember that when you respond to a post or comment, everybody who has posted to that thread gets an e-mail.
So, you know how every time your super popular friend says something even remotely witty, he/she gets 35 comments and 60 "likes?" You might not realize this, but your popular friend receives an e-mail for every idiotic "u r so purty grrrl!" and "I'm so grateful to have such a wonderful person in my life!" your dumb ass decides to "add" to the conversation. So don't be the last person to say what everyone else already knows.
There's nothing more irritating than a cause.
Some time ago there was a trend of people changing their profile pictures to cartoon characters to protest child abuse. Here's the thing: People who beat kids don't give a shit what you think. They rough kids up in private, then threaten them into not getting help. It's just about the most heinous, fucked-up thing there is, and changing your profile picture to Goofy isn't going to do anything to stop it. What this show of solidarity amounted to was a bunch of do-gooders agreeing with each other that child abuse is wrong while achieving absolutely nothing.
Election season is coming around. I hear there will be one at the end of next year. So if you're posting Barack Obama's Christmas photos and taking cheap shots at Ron Paul, just remember that you're the reason why some smart people capriciously vote Republican––because anything is better than being like you.
Don't fish for comments.
Do you refer small decisions to your loyal Facebook followers? Does it bother you when you post something and nobody leaves a comment? Do you frequently post provocative details about your life to see if a certain person will respond? I was that guy way back in high school (before Facebook, when MySpace was king), and I only woke up from my sleazy little stupor when I realized how needy and insecure I was being.
People are who they are inescapably in the real world, and even more so on Facebook because social media offer the illusion that you can be whomever you want to be. Thus your crippling personality flaw––in this case, your constant need to be validated on account of your insecurity––is magnified to the point that every right thinking person in your social circle can see it in sharp contrast. It's the social version of Oprah standing against striped wallpaper and the only known cure is, for one collapsing-barn-that-is-your-heart moment, seeing yourself for the ass you really are. You're welcome.
Never, ever post song lyrics or inspirational quotes.
These two things may seem unrelated, but I know what drives you to sing on Facebook or wax philosophical: It's the overpowering (and false) sense that you're an individual, reveling in the joys and calamities of life and sharing perfect gems of articulation with your loving friends and family.
The problem is, people ignore serial inspirers the way they ignore fallen leaves and broken beer bottles on the side of the road, so these nuggets of wisdom and snatched-from-context song lyrics amount to nothing but clutter. What's more, this chicken soup for the Facebook soul advertises the poster's insecurities. Life has given your annoying friend lemons, but the fact that he/she is quoting Bartlett's on Facebook means that your friend isn't making lemonade right now because he/she can't find the sugar.
My guess is, posters of quotes and lyrics are the most likely to take offense by this blog post. They're probably asking, "Where does all this hate come from?" Shut the fuck up. The chronic do-gooders of the world only want to spread peace and love, and for the life of me I've never been able to convince them that painting the world in their saccharine false light doesn't actually make life better.
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Like I alluded to earlier, this isn't an exhaustive list of annoying behavior on Facebook. There are some great rules out there that still need to be ferreted out and articulated so people will learn good social media citizenship.
So, the only way to not annoy you is to be you... My new goal is to annoy you. Thank you for this guide.
ReplyDeleteIt seemed inevitable that someone would eventually point out that neither I nor anyone else should legislate what's good or bad Facebook behavior. Let me put my thoughts on that matter this way: Facebook is a society, and societies require little formalities that protect our respective personal space. Facebook––for the worse––promotes the illusion that we can be our "true selves" in its virtual society and dispense with those little formalities. But it's a place where you interact with people, many of whom you barely know, and behaving there like you would in the workplace or coffee shop is an important part of keeping Facebook civil.
ReplyDelete