An apology

I'd like to apologize to anyone mislead by my earlier comments about Superbowl ads. Enough time has passed that I can swallow my pride and finally give this year's crop of commercials the thrashing they deserve.

I like to think that the Superbowl is when the best minds in the advertising business put their ideas to the test. Advertising doesn't have to detract from the television experience, and I think we should relish the opportunity to see those minds at work.

In that regard, this has been a bad year. From Clint Eastwood riding on Eminem's already ragged Detroit coattails to every Doritos commercial ever, the 2012 batch showed a complete lack of inspiration.

The joke about Hollywood that has been floating around is that there are so few good ideas there, that the film industry doesn't do anything but churn out second-rate sequels. It was––and, in my opinion, remains––the same problem Detroit had. American car design over the last 20 years has been abominable.

Clint Eastwood, a Hollywood staple and spokesperson for Detroit, seems to be suffering from those cities' common flaws: heads full of bad ideas and a soft spot for sequels.

Deja-vu

When I saw this, I knew I'd seen something like it before.

Eminem's inspiring original

I can see Clint and some of his buds sitting down, brainstorming this ad. They were probably thinking, "How can we be inspiring, too? And how can we distinguish ourselves from Eminem's ad?" But if your subject is American recovery through the lens of America's hardest-hit city, distinguishing yourself might just be impossible.

Speaking of Detroit, it has always amazed me that so many downright ugly American cars have made it into production. Take the Ford Taurus: How many gatekeepers––designers, engineers, executives––did that sorry soapbox on wheels make it through before going into production? The Taurus designs must have passed through a hundred people, and not one of them spoke up and said, "This car is awful. Don't make it."

A friend with whom I was watching the game had a similar experience with this gem:

Cars.com has gatekeeping problems

With the cost of a 30-second slot during the big game going for millions of dollars, my friend postulated that someone would have identified this ad as a dud. And maybe someone did: He's probably sharing a cell in smart person's prison with the one guy who tried to nix the Ford Taurus and the other guy who said that the V-22 Osprey was stupid and that we should just abandon it.

I hate Doritos ads. You should, too.

Doritos are the game chip of choice. It could be their simultaneously greasy and powdery texture that makes them so appealing. Maybe it's the fact that they go on sale during the Superbowl, or that they even taste good. It's not because of good marketing. 

Being held hostage by your dog is a cute conceit for a television ad, but somehow this one fell flat. Maybe it's because people are tired of seeing fat, unkempt-at-best-looking men on TV––all too often, they're paired with attractive +1s––or maybe it's because there's something patently ridiculous about ignoring your cat's untimely demise for the sake of a small bag of chips. Whatever the cause, this ad went down in my book as the biggest swing, and biggest miss, of the night.

Just say, "Fuck it."

Have you ever held something in your hand that seemed very important, and suddenly felt that the best thing to do at that moment was to destroy it?

Last September or so, I received a thick off-white envelope stuffed with a survey on my career post-graduation. Dutifully filling out the form, I lamented that I'd had several good leads on journalism work but remained unemployed. Then I put it in the mail. At the University of Georgia, someone would tabulate my results and help direct some future journalism school graduate towards a region where work can be found.

My good deed was done for, like, my whole life. Or so I thought.

Yesterday an off-white envelope, again stuffed with the same survey of my post-graduate career, came for me in the mail. There was also a note explaining that my response to the first survey hadn't been received, and if at all possible, I should fill out the questionnaire and submit it to the University of Georgia by post the very next day.

For the last few months, incompetence has hung in the air around me. I had what seemed like a solid job offer from the Idaho State Journal covering the state legislature, only to hear back from my would-be editor that there was no funding available for my position. I very nearly wasn't paid for a feature article I wrote for Business Insider because an invoice for my work was lost in the shuffle and never made it to the payroll office.

You would think that someone else's incompetence would feel like getting a flat tire, and the only appropriate response would be to replace the flat and go on your merry way. Instead it feels like being unfulfilled. Everything is going swimmingly until some little post-related accident or miscommunication chips away at the wholesomeness of whatever it is you're going.

The survey felt almost totemic in my hand: I couldn't give up on the University of Georgia now. My information was desperately needed to help ensure other journalism graduates received training that would serve them in the field, etc.! And that's when the feeling hit me. The right thing to do was to just say, "Fuck it."

To say I tore up that survey would be an understatement. These three stapled sheets of paper were all that stood between me and a clear conscience: Forensic scientists could spend years putting that document back together.

As I've gotten older I've gotten better at discriminating between high priority tasks like paying off my student loans, and low priority tasks like filling out questionnaires. Sometimes, though, stress has caused the line between those things to blur. When I received that survey yesterday I felt like I had a responsibility to follow through. I didn't.

What the deaths of Steves Jobs and Appleton tell us

How we worship our heroes tells us everything we need to know about ourselves.

Heroes ought to reflect what we value most in ourselves. In the deep past we favored momentously strong heroes like Hercules and Samson. Later heroes embodied virtues like honesty and loyalty, particularly in the face of great danger.

If the obituaries of Steves Jobs and Appleton (of Apple and Micron, respectively) tell us anything, it's that today's heroes are market forces––men who seemed to commune with the invisible hand of the marketplace. 

Just look: Jobs "was seen as inseparable from his company's success." Appleton was "a self-made man, very competitive, incredible integrity" who "chose to keep his family and company in Boise––and did it without fanfare."

Jobs was the patron saint of innovation and relevance, and Appleton was a paragon of community-mindedness. What they have in common is that they're both popularly understood through the lens of their business accomplishments. 

This makes a lot of sense––at a glance. Why shouldn't the media zero in on their most significant contributions, especially if the deceased is a person of widespread interest? Steve Jobs brought us the iPod, the iPhone, and the iPad. Appleton was one of Boise's most powerful and energetic business leaders. 

That said, I for one wouldn't want to be remembered the way Stephen W. will remember Appleton:

"RIP Steve Appleton. One of the true great Idaho business leaders. Not only helped Boise State, but the rest of the state through job creation and philanthropy."

The Steves are everything political conservatives can dream of: Here are heroes who embody success through intelligence, innovation, and business acumen––and are nice guys who give their money away.

It isn't enough that the obituary is about a person of interest, providing a sketch biography and list of significant accomplishments. When it comes to great entrepreneurs, a man is measured on how good he made it look to be a business man.

People being dicks

You can't open a newspaper anymore without being bombarded by people being dicks. You name the vice; it's rampant. From cowardice (see the Komen Foundation) to blatant backpedaling in the face of public outcry (see the Komen Foundation), to lumping the impoverished with the ultra rich into a single group that doesn't merit our scrutiny/attention, douchebaggery is on the rise.

I chalk this up to the media's treatment of the news event. Rick Perry holding a press conference or town hall meeting isn't a front page article, but Rick Perry saying something insensitive or stupid at a press conference––that's gold.

Below are three of the best and most recent instances of people being bad, chosen not because they're the douchiest bits of douchebaggery, but because they speak volumes about the perpetrator's lack of moral and personal fiber.

Mitt Romney doesn't care about the poor.


This clip has been online for a few days now, and has been the source of unending misunderstanding. It's pretty evident that what he was trying to say is that we need to direct our collective attention to the plight of the embattled middle class; he just said it in a way that marginalized the poor and lumped them with the rich into a group that we should just ignore.

Mitt Romney is in this race because RoboPrez cares

It's the kind of gaffe sensible people would otherwise ignore. Mitt Romney, like all the other presidential hopefuls, is at the center of panoptic media attention. He was bound to slip up sooner or later and say something vaguely ugly.

As Slate.com pointed out, if Romney scores the nomination, the presidential contest will be between two men who are ignorant of huge swaths of contemporary American life. No person aware of poverty would say the safety net is adequate.

But factor in dickitude when you take into account what Romney pays in taxes. Here's a man who has paid the best accountants money can buy to engineer his finances so that he'll be able to pay as little in taxes as humanly possible. What's more, his political platform seems tailored to perpetuate his ability to do this, while non-zillionaire working Americans pay roughly twice that percentage. 

I've heard it said that Romney is generous for giving large sums to Mormon charities in the form of tithing, but is charity the same as paying taxes? It's our privilege to give our money away, but our responsibility to pay into the trust that gives us national and social security, industry regulation, and diplomacy.

Raul Labrador bitches at Eric Holder to predictable Republican applause

On the surface, Raul Labrador stands for all the staunch, austere virtues a social and political conservative should. In the halls of power he projects the kind of steely-eyed pragmatism that comes from keeping your own counsel and a lifetime of experience dealing with other people.

Like most people who project this kind of pragmatism, there's nothing behind it. Raul Labrador is one of Idaho's most prolific buffoons, as he demonstrated yesterday during a hearing about the "Fast and Furious" weapons trafficking scandal.

"Because you have been grossly incompetent in the way that you have prepared before coming to Congress, I think you should resign," Labrador said to Eric Holder.

Holder's response: "Maybe this is the way you do things in Idaho, or wherever you're from."

Eric Holder had already been lambasted over this issue during his confirmation hearing in 2009. Labrador is that idiot at a party who whispers something witty, and if he hears someone chuckle, he repeats himself a little louder so everyone can hear. 

Komen Foundation de-funds Planned Parenthood in a fit of cowardice, then bows to e-Pressure

I wasn't aware that the Komen Foundation even existed until about yesterday, when Facebook shuddered under the weight of liberal indignation over its move to defund Planned Parenthood. 

My first thought was that as a foundation, it's well within its rights to spend its money however it pleases. I still think that. Whatever its stated reasons, Komen Foundation doesn't need to justify itself to the public.

Then, in a bold (or, depending on how you look at it, not-so-bold) reversal, it canceled its plans to discontinue funding Planned Parenthood. 

In a statement released by Planned Parenthood (linked to above), spokesman Cecile Richards claims that "Planned Parenthood has been a trusted partner with the Komen Foundation in early cancer detection and prevention services."

And that's fantastic. If only Komen Foundation could be a trusted partner as well.

Rebuttal: Commercials

Commercials can lead to deafness. Have you ever been watching your favorite show, only to have it abruptly cut to an incredibly loud ad for, say, laundry detergent? My mom goes so far as to preemptively mute the television when she suspects a commercial coming on the same way you or I might stifle a sneeze. (Ironically, neither of my parents ever stifle the sound of their sneezes.)

There's another kind of hearing impairment I associate with commercials, and that's tone-deafness. Take this excerpt from a letter to the editor by Kelly Temple I read in today's Idaho Statesman: 

"The truth is, [Super Bowl commercials are] the same annoying drivel we barely tolerate the remaining 364 days a year."

Now, I tolerate all manner of ridiculousness in the Letters to the Editor section––its denizens wage a perpetual and fruitless war against abortion and socialism and whatever, and there simply isn't enough time or energy in the whole world to convince these people not to be idiots in public––but this kind of misconception will not stand. To even suggest that the most important day in advertising is no better than any other day in advertising reveals nothing short of tone-deafness.

Some of this blog's most popular posts are about advertisements, and I'm pretty passionate about television commercials, so I feel the need to offer a rebuttal to Ms. Temple. 

America has the greatest and most magnificent culture of consumption the world has ever known. From food to energy to cleaning products, we buy more of just about everything more than anyone else. Over time that culture has developed a thicker skin than most to the traditional tricks advertisers use to persuade us to buy their products.

Admittedly, there's a lot of "drivel" out there, and it's axiomatic that a bad commercial will get more airtime than a good one. After all, why pay more to make a good commercial when you can make a bad one and spend the savings on more air time? These are the same advertising geniuses who believe the best way to reach their audience is to turn the volume up on their commercials. 

There are also some fantastic ad campaigns that make us laugh, invent markets for things we never thought we'd need, or even stir our weary senses of patriotism. These campaigns are spearheaded by smart people who know how your mind works and know how to make it hum with excitement. Super Sunday is the day when all the best minds in advertising (and possibly the world) are on display. It's practically Christmas.

The Super Bowl is advertisers' Christmas

I think of Tabasco as analogous to a gateway drug. It opened the door to Cholula sauce and eventually the meth of hot sauces, Sriracha (or as I call it, "Hot Red Cock"). When this commercial aired, though, I thought Tabasco was about the hardest shit there was outside some Texas roadside barbecue pit. We watch as a fat, sweating hoosier douses a downright unappetizing slice of cheese pizza in hot sauce, then noisily chew and swallow. Everything about this commercial is muggy and undignified and disgusting, right up to the point that the mosquito explodes in a ball of flame.

That mosquito reversed the banality of the commercial in an instant. It's a gimmick that turned Tabasco from that hot sauce of choice at Denny's to the hot sauce that makes fireworks out of unsuspecting mosquitoes, and every good ad man knows that the ability to shift public perception of your product is a gift from the gods.

Detroit as the dying warhorse of American productivity

Certainly, some of the most memorable Super Bowl ads are funny, but there are others that pluck on the heartstrings. Detroit is the dying warhorse of American productivity: It has been in decline for years, and since the 2008 economic downturn, it has become the symbol for America's lost prosperity. It's fitting that the city's motto, Speramus Meliora, Resurgent Cineribus, means "We hope for better, it will arise from the ashes," since the city's resurgence will likely be symbolic of a renewed national focus on production, creativity, and export. 

Eminem's Chrysler ad was a sharp and refreshing departure from everything we've come to expect from Super Bowl commercials. It's sleek, but relies on Detroit's grit for emotional impact. Imported cars have become so commonplace, the ad argues, that they've replaced domestic automobiles. It comes as a kind of shock that our own cars are reliable and classy.

When media critics dedicate articles to the best and worst Super Bowl commercials, they're paying homage to people who have been entrusted with hundreds of thousands of dollars by agencies to create the most show-stopping ads money can buy. Their only restraint is time, which means your average 30 second ad slot is jam-packed with as much production value and narratological brilliance as possible.

What's more, many Super Bowl parties I've been to are hosted by people who know nothing about football. They're people who open their homes to friends so they can enjoy the spectacle of one of America's most glitzy annual events and laugh at the funny commercials.

And your reaction is, "Wow, I can't believe you watch this drivel"?

Seven great rules

I'm not an educator anymore. Sure, that's what I'll say I was for tax purposes, but it isn't my job to correct you when you're wrong. As I've gotten older, I've seen the wisdom in going with the flow, and if that means keeping my mouth shut to avoid consternation.

A few weeks ago, I had a dinner guest who, though kind-hearted, launched into a 30-minute explanation of laissez-faire capitalism and why the government needs to get off his back. He's a medium-sized business owner, and has done rather well for himself, but feels he could do a whole lot better (and hire more employees) if the government imposed fewer regulations and taxes on his enterprise.

Don't we all.

My conclusion after his explanation wasn't that socialism is bad, and I didn't feel so imposed upon by the man that I became capricious. I decided the man was just terrible at conversation and left the whole thing at that.

Below are a few more rules in the mold of my previous post about things not to do on Facebook. I've extended the reach of these rules to include the outside world, but many of them apply to the Internet as well. I will make no claim to them being exhaustive. They're here for your edification and amusement––not to be complete in and of themselves.

Breaking one or more of these rules doesn't make you a bad person: Bad people are chronic offenders and malicious haters. In my experience, bad people allow their personal flaws to infect their entire lives. A man frustrated with himself will kick his disobedient dog, but a man who hates himself will beat his kids and lie about it to the cops. A man cornered will lie, but a liar will look for ways to profit from his lack of moral inhibition.

These are rules for good people who go astray. If a reader of this post catches him or herself about to violate one (or more) of them and thinks twice, I'll consider my good deed done for the day.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. 


This is the Golden Rule, and, naturally, it's the first and most important. It's the parent of all good rules of behavior.

When I was a kid, I thought the "unto" meant that I shouldn't do things to other people that I wouldn't want done to me––that it was a proscriptive rule. Upon further reflection, and seeing the rule written before me, I realize its meaning is quite the opposite.

The Golden Rule isn't a rule at all: It's a philosophy. If we do good things for people, even small things, other people will do good things for us. Thou Shalt not be Mean suddenly turns into Thou Shalt Consider doing Someone a Small Service, making the rule at once simpler and more life embracing.

Don't drag religion into it.


Reading the New York Times online this morning, I noticed a story about a young atheist in Rhode Island who has successfully petitioned to have a semi-official school prayer banner removed from the halls of her public high school. Her hometown of Cranston is predominantly Catholic, and the prayer has been displayed for 49 years. This young woman's objection to the prayer banner has made her one of the town's most reviled residents.

Honestly I don't know who's more to blame. Sure, Cranston's a Catholic town, but I don't see why it's so hard to keep the your religion in your pants for eight hours a day while public school is in session. And little atheist, are you really so butt-hurt over a piece of paper that you feel unwelcome among the people you've known since kindergarden? Or is this one of those atheist things where anything that even smells like God is so odiously stupid that you just have to tear it down?

My point is, if you're going to drag your religious baggage into a conversation, be prepared to have a fight over it, because people take that stuff seriously––not to mention that it's annoying.

Don't be sanctimonious. 


Sanctimony is one of my most obvious character flaws. I once berated dinner guests for their love of Milan Kundera, whom I think is a mediocre writer at best, and at worst one of those authors whose lack of talent hides safely behind the common misconception that writers who experienced communist oppression are simply better than their Western counterparts. He's no Czeslaw Milosz or Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, that's for damn sure.

I felt really bad immediately following my tirade, even though my friends were pretty cool about it. The thing about sanctimony is that it's a label imposed upon you from outside: I was just stating my (strong, draconian) opinion and supporting it with facts and assessments, but my guests must have seen things differently. They were probably thinking, "here's a guy who really hates Milan Kundera, and he's not being very nice."

A college housemate once interrupted an argument between myself and a third housemate with one of the most insightful observations I've ever heard. He said, "you're both so obsessed with being right." And it was true. Neither my opponent or myself were cool with just letting the argument be over with. Being sanctimonious isn't about having the better argument or true moral superiority. It's about being righter than the other guy, and that's kind of an ugly thing to want to be.

Use your indoor voice.


Even at a very young age, I understood how ridiculous it was that my teachers referred to "indoor voices," as opposed to "playground voices." We were kids, after all, and "indoor voices" seemed so full of artifice that it had to be one of those jargon terms a textbook writer made up.

But it wasn't.

Kids will be kids, but I've noticed that some people––one of whom is my sister––simply haven't figured out how to speak softly. As a person who has surrounded himself with more-or-less softly-spoken people, there's nothing more jarring than walking into a room where people are talking at full blast. It's like suddenly finding yourself on the tarmac at JFK or walking through the doors of a KISS concert.

Loud people are, one and all, shouters. My parents were shouters, and were always barking commands from the top of the stairs or across the street, as though somehow it was too much work to walk down the stairs and speak their piece. As I made friends and visited other families, I learned that a lot of other families (the cool ones, it turned out) would extend all kinds of courtesies to their kids, including using indoor voices, knocking on doors and requesting permission to enter, etc.

Their kids learned to do the same, and I can only assume it was all a devious parental ploy to get kids to be polite in society.

Cite your sources.


At least once a night I hear my mom say words to this effect: "They say that antioxidants prevent cancer." Who the f@#k are "they?" A much better way of putting this is, "I read in the newspaper that antioxidants prevent cancer."

Failing to cite one's sources is the surest sign that one is about to apply some common bit of information to one's own internal logic. In my mom's case, it's usually to justify her purchase of a new and expensive bottle of pills her own mother claims promotes brain function. Or whatever. My mom loves pretending to be a medical expert, when I know (and often have to explain to others) that my mom doesn't know shit about anything, let alone medicine.

The Internet is one of those fascinating tools that allows us to do research and make up our own minds. Citing your sources allows those of us who are interested to do independent evaluations and possibly pass on your information.

Think about it this way: If you don't tell people where you got your information, you're a charlatan; and if you do, you're doing everybody a favor. The choice is clear.

Observe the three subjects not to be discussed in mixed company.


We've already covered religion. Now it's time to talk about sex and politics.

I have a friend who, in the early stages of her courtship with "the boy," couldn't help but tweet endlessly about all the cunnilingus and dirty sex she was getting. The reason I tell you this is so you'll understand how off-putting it is when people do this.

Sure, there are delicate, conversation-friendly ways of making these subjects palatable, but only for a short time. Sensitive topics tend to spiral out of control and decency.

Case in point: my dinner guest who wouldn't stop talking about laissez-faire economics. The "conversation" didn't become a fight––since there's certainly more to taxation, regulation and governance than encouraging economic growth––because I let the man say his half-hour piece, and not because we were having a thoughtful conversation that challenged our assumptions about business and the role of government.

Be honest.


My uncommonly wise college housemate once asked me if I wanted to go to an orchestra recital with him. Cornered, I gave some bullshit excuse about how I'd love to, but I had something else going on that night. "You could have just said you didn't want to go," he said, because being dishonest isn't just rude: It's stupid.

Notice how the rule isn't "Don't lie." That's because we tell little lies all the time. I once met a mother who cried the first time her child lied to her because it was the first time her child had information worth concealing. Now, I'm not saying lies are good things, but the truth isn't nearly as valuable as honesty.

Being honest is a lot easier when you surround yourself with honest and forthright people. There's something hip about being able to say (without being mean), "no, I don't want to do that," or "sorry, your haircut makes you look like a dweeb." Losers are always equivocating and trying to make people feel good to be likable. Cool people will be honest when pressed for an opinion.

…

I'm going to keep writing rules. Really, this post is about all I have time for today, and I'll probably return to this theme at a later time. But until then, I'm always on the lookout for new rules, so world: Keep being stupid.

Sarah McLachlan is a terrorist

Have you ever been filled with blind rage after those animal cruelty commercials? I have. When I see them, I feel a sudden and nearly uncontrollable urge to twist Sarah McLachlan's head off her shapeless Canadian shoulders.

If I don't beat my dogs, I shouldn't have to watch these commercials.

It's a testament to the power of sad music and low fps rates––the power to turn almost anything into a sentimental tear-fest. You could slow down footage of your children at the dentist's office or eating cat poop out of the litter box, play it during primetime, and probably get someone to donate money to you. People will be forced to believe that your kids were the victims of drunk drivers or mesothelioma. 

For the less pliable among us, these commercials are a shock to the central nervous system not unlike suddenly being dunked into icy water from a position of relative comfort. Let's say you're the average Joe unwinding with one of my least favorite shows (Two and a Half Men, How I met your Mother). You're giggling a little, because nothing you've seen is so much funny as uniformly tittered at by canned laughter. The show cuts inevitably to commercial, and your expectations are nil. 

Instead of a bland Pepsi ad or one of those insipid Campbell's Soup commercials narrated by Tim Allen, you're treated––without warning––to the pathetic countenances of dogs and cats at the pound, ostensibly the victims of animal cruelty. They have huge, goober–filled black eyes, mangy coats, and some glistening, watery snot hanging out of their noses. 

You have done nothing to earn this. You probably don't swing your cat by the tail or gouge out your dog's eyes. And if you do, you're a fucker unworthy of human dignity because cruelty of any kind isn't tolerated in this tribe. But if you're a normal person you're 1) not expecting the levity of, say, 3rd Rock from the Sun to contrast so savagely with McLachlan's mournful tune and the disheartened gazes of pound pups; 2) more than a little offended that someone would shill anything, no matter how noble, in such a discombobulating way; and 3) annoyed at the bleary-eyed self-righteousness of the whole affair.

Intelligent people see this as fertile ground for satire.

Believing in something so strongly that you alienate your family, friends and fans is a sign of mental illness.

Ibishcomedy got it right: These ASPCA commercials emotionally strong-arm you into donating money. No matter how worthy, no cause is worth the heavy-handed treatment you've received at the hands of this commercial. There's something icky––greasy––about it.

Most commercials try to influence your purchasing decisions through sheer saturation. If you've seen a thousand Burger King ads, you're more likely to buy a hamburger there, even if you're not predisposed to eating at Burger King. The reason everybody owns an iPod is because Apple made the image of the iPod ubiquitous. Next time you want a burger, you'll visit BK; when you need tunes, you'll reach for your iPod.

ASPCA doesn't work like that. There's no market for saving abused and neglected animals, but by hijacking your compassion it can create a market out of a moment's guilt. The word for this is "rude." Where every ad you see on television relies on pre-existing buying habits, the ASPCA elbows its way into your life on a road paved with pure pathos. 

Join ASPCA or we'll kill this dog.

What bleeding heart organizations have created are anti-ads that break you away from your passive, TV-watching state. They're not selling products, but a whole philosophy that's antithetical to the gentle drone of televised blather. But that's why we watch TV, and why ASPCA owes you an apology.